If a man you’re into isn’t feeling it back it means that you’re not good enough, right?
He lived in another country. We talked a lot. My fantasies lived in the space that was our distance and he, he was dreamy.
I pretended I wasn’t all that interested, attempting to match his cool demeanor. All the while, longing.
After months (okay, fine – years) at this attempt of self-delusion I finally sat him down - over Skype - and asked the question I hadn’t had the courage to ask for a long-ass time, which went something like: “Do you imagine you’d ever want to be in a relationship with me?”
After he rambled for a while about himself, women, past experiences, abstract metaphors, etc. I looked him square in the eyes and asked him to do the same with me. When he stopped, and looked at me, I asked him to say it straight and to my face, so my mind could no longer torture me with hope.
I asked him to tell me that a relationship with me didn’t appeal to him and that he wants me solely as a friend.
And so, he did.
I felt relief.
Later, a sinking inadequacy.
He didn’t want me and I believed that meant that no man (possessing all the great qualities I saw in him) would.
SO, THAT SUCKED
My mind became fixed on the type of woman he would want to be with by concocting said-women in my mind. It was a painful guessing game where I’d formulate all the qualities she would have, highlighting where they were underdeveloped or non-existent in me.
Self-attack was on an all-time high and the comparison left me feeling jealous, inferior and broken. I saw his lack of romantic interest in me as a reflection of my appeal to any man I may deem as a worthy beau.
With the thought, my romantic future appeared bleak and my self-confidence with men, shattered.
INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE
Can you imagine a world where we believe that one man’s interest in us is reflective of ALL AWESOME MEN?
He didn’t want to be with me and it was done, except for the meaning I gave it.
What my mind made of it, that – THAT – was my pain.
And while I was spending my time comparing images of myself to images of mock-women “he” was chasing after, I missed my friend and his brave honesty; honesty that allowed me to finally do the work of moving on.
WITHOUT THE THOUGHT
When I revisit that situation that took place years ago I can see who I would be without the thought that him not wanting me means that no one will:
I’m able to mourn the loss of the dream that was “us” and it’s manageable. I’m connected to what I love about him, including his honesty (one of my fav qualities in him).
I’m open and available to notice all the ways of why it’s a good thing, all the benefits, that we won’t be together.
There’s even a curiosity and excitement to discover who it will be a fit with, now that I’m free to discover someone new.
WHEN A MAN DOESN’T WANT YOU
It means that you’re not good enough, right?
"If someone rejects you-and he could only do that because you don't match his beliefs about how he wants the world to be-it has nothing to do with you."