I RAN INTO AN OLD CRUSH
We lived in different countries and after many years of being out of touch we randomly bumped into each other in a Californian town where neither of us lived. It was cray.
After hearing about his wife and soon-to-be newborn, the conversation turned to me and at some point I shared I was single - to which he responded: “well, be happy till you get there”.
I was stunned and grew increasingly irritated as his words rang in my ear, “…till you get there” – get there.
Like a life partner was some sort of destination to succeed in attaining and I was currently in the existential line, with all the other single ladies, waiting to finally arrive.
“Alright singletons, let’s make the best of our basic existence until we’ve acquired what will finally give our lives bona fide value– a spouse.”
HIS WORDS STUNG
And I realized it was because a part of me believed it.
I had bought into this notion that I was in some sort of life-rehearsal; waiting for my lead role as “the one” where I’d, at long last, co-star with the man of my dreams.
Then my life would begin for real, for I’ll have arrived.
Believing that life doesn’t truly begin until one secures a mate is stressful, to say the least. And anyways, is it even true? I mean, in this case, is it really a fact of life?
Gravity is real, the earth is round and a human’s life is only truly meaningful once paired romantically (till death) with another human…really??
It's worth considering because what we believe has a direct impact on our lives. Beliefs are what shape, influence, change and transform how we see ourselves and the world around us.
And regardless of a thoughts validity, if you believe something like, say: “life doesn’t truly begin until I find lifelong love,” you live out of it as though it were a fact.
And the effects of said thought aren’t pretty.
From café confessions to deep inner work with clients and myself, it’s clear – believing this thought can be torturous. And the pressure, anxiety, and despair associated seems to swell with each passing year “the one” evades our reach.
And that’s a lot of suffering.
SO, LET’S BE REAL
With so much peace of mind and enjoyment of life at stake, it may be beneficial to get really still and question assumptions like the one above.
It could be we take things for granted a little more than we’d expect. We jump to conclusions before our speculations are verified and we accept societal norms and collective ideas before we check in with ourselves.
IS IT TRUE?
This is the first question I ask when I want to get quiet and genuinely check in with me.
I mean, it could be that this crippling thought is, in fact, a theory.
And maybe, just maybe, the only thing waiting to arrive is the awareness that you’ve never been left behind.
“Believing what you fear makes it true for you, and that doesn’t make it true.”