Dear potential Love,
I'm going to keep this really simple:
I want you to unceasingly adore and admire me. I want you to predict and fulfill my desires before I ask. I want you to never doubt my value, my beauty, or the fact that I make your life better in every way.
I want you to only have eyes for me. To think my body is the best thing since sliced bread (even when I don't). And never leave me (unless I don't want you anymore).
I want you to take a genuine interest in all things I enjoy talking about, be completely fascinated and enraptured with what I say, and never cease to be continuously impressed by all things me; all the time (without you ever being clingy, desperate, or needy).
I want you to be clear that my happiness is your happiness. Me #1, you #2. I don't care how busy you are, how many people you know, or how you feel - when I text you and I'm ready for a response, you best be responding.
I want your unwavering support for everything I want (& I need you to know when it's not in my best interest and let me know so with perfect communication).
Your job is to make me feel happy, good, beautiful, wanted, valued, loved, seen, understood, appreciated, worthy, unique and special all the time.
And if I don't feel that way in our relationship, it's your fault. Super simple.
By the way, I love you.
I know what you're thinking: "'ha-ha' we all know that's crazy, I'M never like that - I'm always super rational and level-headed."
HEAR ME OUT
Have you ever been hurt when a romantic interest/partner didn't do what you wanted?
Have you ever been upset when they didn't agree with you?
Have you ever questioned your self-worth when a love-interest/companion didn't give you what you desired?
OF COURSE YOU HAVE
Assuming you're human (I don't have a fancy button to weed out robots on my site) - you've most likely (and understandably) believed, at some point, that a true love will come in and save you from your loneliness and self-doubt; that that's their job.
Aided by the likes of Western culture, including Hollywood, Disney and glamour magazines, many of us have been swayed by the notion of "happily ever after" and the idealized version of our true-love became a counterfeit version of the real thing.
This imitation love consists solely of getting what we want. The moment the other doesn't think, say, or do what we desire - they're out (even if only emotionally).
This kind of love goes by another name: conditional.
"I'm going to conditionally love you based on your ability to unconditionally love me"
Yep, we be crazy.
COULD IT BE
From the philosopher, Krishnamurti:
“Freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.”
The root of all the above suffering lies in our ideas around what love is.
Beyond our beautiful philosophies of unconditional love lies our actual beliefs, the ones that lead us to anxiety, depression, regret, and shame in relationship.
My work is to support myself and others wake up to internalized fear-based convictions, held often so deeply we're not readily aware of them, so that we can do the work of understanding the cause of our pain. This process of understanding isn't about getting rid of said-convictions, although the result often is a natural unraveling of what doesn't serve.
It's radical, the moment we acknowledge that inner peace may genuinely be independent of external circumstance.
And I wonder, has there ever been a better time for a revolution?
Listen to a fellow traveler doing The Work with Byron Katie on her love-interest:
"You're like a dictator. You expect them to live it. You live it first, then you can teach them how. You do it first, just to make sure it's possible. Because you may be asking the impossible of them."